Self-esteem is a term that is thrown around all the time. So before I go any further, let me start by ensuring there is agreement about what this topic actually is. Self-esteem is the entrenched set of beliefs we hold about ourselves and our place in society. It is not intact at birth but develops over time based largely on how the world has related to us. It is a familiar, almost automatic filtering system that ensures all experiences reinforce rather than contradict. This process is vitally important because our core beliefs form the foundation upon which all other aspects of our personality are built. We become enormously threatened by anything that contests what we deem “true” about our core self. Even if self-esteem manifests as a mean critic who turns anything positive into misery, we defend these views against any challenger, even ourselves.
Our society loves to give quick fixes to improve self-esteem. SNL’s Stuart Smally poked fun at the commonly held belief that simply changing the mental tape will be enough. Just repeat daily, “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.” Author Nathaniel Brandon took it a step further, suggesting saying positive words while standing naked before a mirror. Others have suggested addressing these issues in the young, promising only positive feedback or meeting almost every need. The lovely intension is to shelter them from experiencing failure or disappointment. In reality, it only robs children of the chance to develop skills that will help them handle these natural parts of life. Once beyond the protective fantasy, the real world will feel cruel and overwhelming.
Of course, there are other ways to deal with painful self-esteem. Sound familiar?
- Embark on one self-improvement project after another
- Play it safe rather than risk failure
- Lose the present moment by floating between regrets of the past and worries of the future.
- “Enjoy” personal contempt. Cartoonist Jules Feiffer puts it: “I grew up to have my father’s looks, my father’s speech patterns, my father’s posture, my father’s walk, my father’s opinions and my mother’s contempt for my father.”
- Highlight faults to prevent other people from vocalizing what we fear to be true.
- Point out other people’s faults; a great way to disown embarrassment felt about our own insecurities.
No matter how nice it sounds, changing self-esteem is not a question of will or self-talk. It is also not about perfection, success or comfort. We are talking about the scary, maddening, endearing journey of rotor-rooting the core way we see ourselves. Over the next few months, I hope to highlight a few of the steps towards embracing imperfection and perhaps even finding some contentment along the way.