On August 17^th, you can learn a strategy that ensures success.  Concise and easy to remember, you will leave with the skills to address any situation with confidence.

This is open to the public but seating is limited.  Please RSVP by August 14^th to reserve a spot for you.  Better yet, bring a friend so even more people can gain the tools!

Seminar: The Assertiveness Recipe

Where: 4251 Kipling Street- Conference Room

Date: August 17th, 2010

Time: 6-7 p.m.

Price: Free

Presenter: Tania Henderson

Contact: 303.915-5597

But there is more to assertiveness than just having a voice.  That voice must be delivered at a time and in a way it is palatable for the other person.  If you come in with guns pulled and emotions high, you will be shut out in seconds.    Remember, this is someone with emotions, self-esteem, and needs as well.  If you take time to consider what will help them be receptive, you have a higher likelihood of being heard.

Timing  

We are not always ready to “talk”.   Numerous factors can impact the moment, making it less than ideal.  For example, sometimes we’re tired because of the demands of the day and we just need a few minutes to settle in.  There may be distractions, ranging from children needing attention to time for a favorite television show.  Sometimes there are other ears around, all too interested in what is going on.  Then there are times when emotions are too high or the incident too raw, so it is difficult to respond in a mature manner. 

Keep this in mind when considering your approach.  Wait for the person to settle in, rather than starting something just as the person walks in the door.  Check to be sure there are no interruptions and take care to ensure there is privacy so no one has to lose face to order to address the situation.   Most importantly, don’t strike when the iron is hot!  

 Approach

Expectations are signaled within 30 seconds of the interaction and are capable of producing strong self-fulfilling prophecies.  Kindness can go along way in setting the tone for cooperation while disrespect sets the stage for fighting.

 A man said to his wife one day, “I don’t know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.” The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Attacks, threats, put downs, guilt trips, and judgments are ways to eliminate respect from the interaction.  Refuse to make the other person an enemy.  Instead, focus on the fact that this is someone you care about and want to make positive changes. 

Listen  

People are more willing to listen if they feel listened to.  Drawn the person out by asking questions.  Show interest in what they have to say through body language and direct eye contact.  Refuse to interrupt.   Work hard to summarize and reflect what you’ve heard so they know you get it.   

In order to have the greatest positive influence over the goal and the conversation, never place being heard over being conscientious.  Before opening your mouth, ensure the environment is ripe for a thoughtful discussion.  Then do your best to treat the other person in a way you would like to be treated.  By remembering your audience, you enhance the other person’s willingness to work with rather than defend against you.

The reality is that depression and anxiety are highly seductive and give off the illusion that they are being helpful.  Anxiety, for example, is reinforcing because we believe that it offers us an edge.  There is a sense that if a futuristic situation is considered in detail, there will be a game plan.  However, that is not usually how anxiety plays out.  The majority of time, there is only a limited amount of information available- we can only be prepared to a point.  But rather than letting the issue rest, the scene continues to play, usually with the prediction that it will not end in a positive manner.   Here is where anxiety becomes particularly sly.  By continually reinforcing how this is a problem (and paying little attention to what strengths exist that could help effectively address the situation), anxiety can promote a self-fulfilling prophecy.  Then when the situation does go sour, there is a sense that the anxiety helped.  It reduced suffering because it allowed an opportunity to come to terms with “obvious” inadequacies and avoided the shock of having to face this all at once.

Depression is not much better.  It creates a lens through which the world is experienced.  As I mentioned in January’s article, this filter colors all forms of input.  All evidence then serves to validate the beliefs, resulting in more certainty that the depression is accurate.  In other words, depression wants you to believe it is being truthful.  Believe you are a burden, believe you are forever broken or believe that there is no end in sight.   The heaviness and hopelessness that are the offspring of this thinking serves to discourage hope and sink deeper into despair.

If we take an honest look at the kind of relationship created by these two entities, their presence takes on a much more menacing quality.  Take them out of the internal sphere and treat them as if they were an external person.  They can be described as people who are constantly around and have commentary about everything that has to do with us.  The news is slanted, intending to chip away at our sense of resolve, confidence and competence.  It seems like advice and counsel, but in reality it is anything but.  Such a person is a bully at best, a stalker at worst.

Refuse to cooperate with this destructive agenda.  See the insidious ways that anxiety and depression are actively compromising your life and find help.  You have the choice to take charge and actively engage in thoughts, feelings and behaviors that will reverse the downward spiral and lead you to feeling empowered.  If you want to learn more about how to do this or feel you need support to be successful, I am ready to rally behind you.

This person could not have provided a better example of the power of critical thinking.  We live in a world full of noise and this kind of disciplined mental work ensures wise action instead of gut reaction.  Without it we are sitting ducks when it comes to tactics of persuasion.  We could believe any idea that sounds good at the time or trust something as fact because the person delivering the message “seems” so honest.   If all we have is our gut, we are prey to anyone with an agenda. 

 Critical thinking: a set of intellectual skills used to make reasonable, fair, and accurate conclusions.  This form of discipline requires a full understanding of the context, drawing from observations, experience, reason, and reflection.  Once those elements have been analyzed and synthesized, the meanings impacts beliefs and direct behavior. 

 While it may be easier to be wary of political pundits or advertisers, there is one person who is least likely to raise suspicion.  This person seems like such a trustworthy source, yet if we look closer, this person is just as needy, motivated, and biased as the professionals.  That person is you.

 Why are we so believable?

According to Elliot Aronson, an expert on effective propaganda, there are several elements that encourage blind obedience:

1. Credibility.  Research has shown that people tend to trust information when it appears to come from an experienced and trustworthy source.  It seems illogical to think that we would want to deceive ourselves or want something other than what is helpful.  If there is no perceived agenda, there appears to be no reason to question the source.
2. The more familiar the message, the greater the appeal.   A billion dollar marketing firm holds no candle to our internal tapes.  Where marketers have to figure out when their audience is available, our tapes have uninhibited access to our minds.   Over the course of a lifetime, the messages and roles are so common, so consistent, they don’t even raise suspicion.  Our conditioning goes without notice and is accepted as the norm.
3.  Emotional messages are more convincing than purely logical messages.  Because this is an internal system, the time between message and emotional response is only milliseconds.  To the undiscerning eye, the two are experienced as inseparable.  The emotions, the corresponding body reactions, and the thoughts then all seem to be in agreement.  Talk about validation!

 Question the message and the messenger!

As you can see, we seem so trustworthy and best intentions, we are doing the best that we can.  However, we must not forget that we are still fallible.  We have been given messages (often inaccurate and dated) that encourage us to see the world in certain ways.  We have lenses that tend to emphasize some pieces of reality and discount others.  We have conflicting needs and impulses that could be ruthless without the application of morals and reason. Worst of all, we may not have all the facts to begin with.  How many times has a reaction occurred, only to find out later that it wasn’t the whole story! 

Luckily, with awareness and discernment, we do not have to be sitting ducks to our own rhetoric. Step back and observe the bigger picture.  Ask questions to gain understanding.  Allow time to process and consider the pieces.   By recognizing our own vulnerabilities, we get to enjoy the same resilience as my the person mentioned above.  Become better prepared, less reactive, and able to make wise choices.

 Reminder: my colleague, Bonnie Goetz, will be giving a free one-hour presentation on June 15^th at 6 p.m. regarding some of the “hows”!  Come join us and learn specific strategies that can help you in all areas of your life.  Call Bonnie at 303. 482-0910 to reserve a spot!

The fear of failure has claimed many a dreamer.   Just when creativity and energy start taking hold, the dreaded self-doubt comes in and destroys hope like a frost to early blooms, “But what if I fail?”  The imagination then switches from realizing potential greatness to a spiraling scene of impending doom.   

Rather than cooperate with black and white thinking, deeming failure as the antithesis to success, we need to reframe our views.  History shows that failure and success are really cousins, intimate parts of the same process.  Sometimes it is because success is not possible until certain skills are in place.  A baby’s efforts to walk are such an example.  Only through repeated attempts to stand (a.k.a. falling down) does the baby develop enough muscle strength for balance and posture.  Other times, failure shows what doesn’t work so we can narrow down the options.  This is one of the basic principles to being a learner- trial and error.  Thomas Edison had over ten thousand “failures” before the electric lamp came into being.   Then there are failures that help us abandoned fruitless paths.  It took prison before O Henry was able to connect with the dormant author that lay within. 

According to author Napoleon Hill, there are several factors that can help turn those tough times into successes.  I have found three to be particularly potent:

1.  Intense desire- it is hard to formulate a plan or tolerate upsets if the goal is not something worthwhile to you.  Know what you are working towards and why it is of value.  Train your mind to focus on that dream several times each day and visualize what it will look like as a reality.  If you cannot dream it, you cannot do it.

The Wright brothers were consumed with thoughts of flight.  When no one could be found to manufacture their designs, they built their own!  

2.  Decisiveness- do not be fooled!  Lack of action is a decision.  Procrastination is the cunning thief that steals opportunity from you.  The only real power you have is to make the most of the moment.  If you wait for the “right” time, you end up “waiting” yourself into retirement.   Great ideas are only great when they are turned into action.

3.  Persistence-  the very definition means to work in spite of opposition.  Where motivation can wax and wane based on your feelings, clinging to persistence means that you will carry on even when you feel like quitting.  Persistence pushes you to keep taking action, the one thing that will get results.

 In spite of eight lost elections, two business failures, and a nervous breakdown, Abraham Lincoln persistence led him right into the presidency. 

Don’t let failure stop you before you have a chance to start.  Refuse to see failure as a character flaw and instead see it as opportunity to become stronger.

Above is a link to an article where MSNBC authors chose to headline a tragic story using language that softens the brutality suffered by a young woman.  “Unrelenting bullying,” they called it.  I can almost hear someone reply, “Oh, that’s just kids being kids.”  But when you get into the meat of the article and adult terminology is used, the real terror comes forth.  Why did these authors avoid words like rape and assault and instead minimize the ugly truth with a word as generic as bullying?

The assumption is that bullying is a common problem children face and in time, will be outgrown or will in some other way pass.  On one hand,  the assumption is true.  Bullying is common.  Recent research indicates that bullying is prevalent among 30 % of American school children within a school semester (Nansel et al., 2001).  However, it is not just another childhood issue that will work itself out.  Bullying is dangerous and can have the same lasting impacts as any other threatening/traumatic experience.  I have worked with clients who are reluctant to be open because they still remember the pain of a broken confidence, when a “friend” sought popularity at his/her expense.  Others become clingy or keep a distance so they will never again feel the full impact of being ostracized like they were at a younger age.   Then there are adults who have lost their sense of “self” because they try to be what they think others want.  For them, it is better to play along than to be criticized.

I find that an effective way of giving true respect and voice to a child’s situation is to place something that happened on the school playground within the context of a business.  Once this seems like two adults, we would erase the “bullying” label and replace it with one of the terms in red.  See what difference it has for you:

• A kid on the bus stated he was going to beat another kid up after school.  Adult equivalent: threat of assault/ battery.
• Taking away lunch money.  Adult equivalent: theft, possible extortion
• Two girls passed around a notebook having people write down all the things they hate about the friend they no longer want to hang out with.  They gave the notebook to the girl between classes.  Adult equivalent: defamation of character, slander
• A girl keeps having her hair pulled by the classmate sitting behind her.  Adult equivalent: assault and harassment, creating a hostile work environment
• A teenager punched another guy for talking to his girlfriend.  Adult equivalent: aggravated assault

Labeling something as “bullying” is the best way to make sure a behavior is dismissed or minimized.   We need to listen to our children and recognize that their experiences are not just kids play but real fears, worries, and stressors.  By taking children seriously, we create the potential for meaningful action that can hopefully make it safe to grow up.

Below is a list of common countermoves one might experience. It is important to prepare for them, based on experience, to know how to identify them and how to prevent them from being effective. Like constructing a building, facing issues requires careful planning. Time spent in this area will greatly simplify the conversation and the time spent on elements other than the issue at hand.

Bringing in another person
“Well ____________ thinks your being unreasonable too.” This is a way to suggest that numbers make a point seem more substantial. It is also a way to divert responsibility onto another so change either seems too broad or can be avoided altogether. I have found that third parties are often misrepresented in these instances and assumptions abound. To avoid this altogether, keep the conversation focused on the two of you. For example, “If someone else thinks there is a problem, I will talk directly with him/her. Right now, I’d like to address what is coming up between us.”

Hostile Withdrawing
Forms of this include the silent treatment, turning up the volume on the television, and leaving the room with a loud slam of the door. As in any interaction, you cannot force someone to talk to you but you can monitor ways you might reinforce their reaction. Typically, when there is no gain, the behavior subsides. A benefit for withdrawing, for example, could mean that if the “offending” party fears the response and does not bring up the issue again, the discussion has successfully been avoided. To address this tendency, label the behavior. “The last time I brought this up, you did not talk to me for two days.” Next, ask for help in finding a solution. “What needs to happen so we can talk about this?” When they are give input, they share part of the responsibility in making it happen. Of course, there are times when an individual refuses to cease the behavior, despite your efforts. In those instances, choose to live fully and minimize the impact their withdrawing has on you. The issue is still unresolved, but in the mean time, you do not have to be subjected to the unpleasant hostility.

“I was just joking. Lighten up!”
This is a way to deflect responsibility. In addition, it suggests that the person is foolish for having taken it to heart. In reality, the effect was distress rather than laughter. Meet this head on: “Whether or not that was your intention, it was hurtful.”

“I really don’t have time for this.”
No matter what the meaning is behind this sentence, ask them when they will have time. You’re giving them the message that this is not going to go away.

Rudeness
Everyone has the right to be angry, but they do not have the right to be hurtful. “I want to hear what is bothering you, yet I can’t listen when you put me down.” Name calling is a common form. The parties involved turn their focus to the insult, avoiding the issue altogether! It is easier to stop this in the beginning when you are still setting the tone. After time has past, you feel hurt and they have allowed themselves to treat you in a way that compromises mutual respect.

Bringing Up The Past
The conversation gets messy when the other person diverts attention from the present concern to a time when they had been hurt: “You think you were embarrassed by my comment last night? Now you know how I felt when you laughed at me in front of my friends!” “Don’t talk to me about coming home late when you did that all the time when we were first married!” When it comes to issues, more is certainly not better; more is overwhelming and chaotic. To prevent this from getting out of hand, acknowledge what was said, “It sounds like there are some other things we need to address.” Explain why you need to stay on topic, “I want to make sure we can get some resolution and not get overwhelmed with too many issues on the table.” Finally, demonstrate willingness to address their needs too, “I’ll be happy to talk about what you brought up.” The key is to stick to one topic at a time.

Creating a decisive plan to countermoves is time well spent. Your efforts will decrease the sense of vulnerability and therefore reactivity. You will be more concise, removing the potential that you will get side-tracked or speak in hurtful ways. Best of all, if you are able to successfully address these responses, you decrease the chance that the countermove will be used in the future (it didn’t work!). Although it may take some persistence, in time, you may change the entire way the two of you interact!

Drive
Rather than sitting back and seeing what life will provide, people with drive claim their lives.  These are the knights that face dragons rather than ignore them. They see what they want and recognize their role in making it happen. Time is fluid- they focus on the future by learning from the past and seeing what can be done with the present. Such people are intoxicating for others because seeing such passion for life provokes others to see their own potentials. Nothing is sexier than hope!

Honesty
Eliminating hidden agendas, omitted details, and secrets creates emotional safety. There is no unnerving feeling that something is off. There is no need to assume the suspicious role of a detective. With integrity and trustworthiness, comes comfortable rest.

Self Control
This is really another word for the ability to choose. When something else is driving behavior (i.e., addiction, impulsivity, and hormones), there are no guarantees so there are no reliable commitments. When someone wants it all and cannot say “no” to himself/herself, they risk losing what he/she already has.

Be Appealing
A partner may be able to offer unconditional love, but whether or not there is attraction (especially enduring) is dependent upon the level of appeal. Consider how you want to present yourself to the person you hope will hunger for you. If you take care of yourself, have good manners, and promote positive qualities, you maximize what you are able to offer. If you have stinky feet, belch, and talk about how ugly you are, that is a lot for your partner to overlook.

Listen
Do you realize that people tend to interrupt every 17 seconds! Most conversations look like two people sitting like hungry cats, poised to pounce on any gap in the conversation. For those who want a relationship rather than an audience, listening is key. Listening shows the other person that what they think and feel has value to you. You show that you’re willingness to think more about your partner than yourself. It is a moment of self-less sacrifice in order to be truly present for the other person.

Be Respectful
If you haven’t guessed it by now, love is largely based on how the other person feels when he/she is with you. Respect involves showing the other person that they hold esteem and honor in your eyes. This trait, however, will have little value if it is dependent upon conditions. It’s easy to show kindness when things are going well, but it takes real maturity and character to be able to be kind even when there is hurt and anger.

Be Yourself
If you attempt to be more than what you are, the paradox is you might feel more desirable but you will also feel less loved. Your partner has learned to care about a façade or a fantasy of you, not the real you. Therefore, any love you receive is not for you but for the image. When the real you shines through, the love you receive is totally yours to enjoy.

Altruism
Altruism is the ability to recognize that there is more to life than taking. There is concern for others and the realization that there is a part we each can play in helping to make life more comfortable for others. This blends other traits already mentioned- a take charge attitude, hope, caring and empathy and directs them to a wider focus.

Work at it
When life gets busy and a relationship comfortable, it is easy to take the connection for granted. However, if this lasts for any length of time, a disconnection begins to grow and before you know it, you feel more like roommates than lovers. A major factor in maintaining a fulfilling, enduring relationship is to continue to make it a priority. Continue to woo- remember to do the things that helped you fall in love in the first place. Change things up so it stays fresh. Refuse to let issues go unaddressed so you stay open and engaged.

Humor
Joy and laughter are the fuel that gets us through even the toughest days. It relaxes the body, boosts the immune system, and releases body’s natural “happy” chemical (endorphins). Plus it’s fun! If used along with empathy to help a partner put things in perspective, you become an invaluable support system.

Identify Assumptions

It can be tempting to assume our interpretation of an event is an accurate representation of reality rather than a slant. If we don’t use a discerning eye, we may be missing or dismissing important information. Self-examination may result in a new viewpoint, a different emotional response, or a wider range of choices. To do this, first consider the following questions:

* What emotions are coming up for me? This question encourages labeling, a key ingredient to emotional intelligence. By identifying the various experiences, there is a way to categorize what is happening and therefore increase understanding. Without fear of the unknown equilibrium can be restored.

* What thoughts are present? Emotions are evoked by thoughts. (Ex: If someone believes s/he is stupid, what feelings might this promote?) Taking time to identify the internal messages allows connections to be made. You will be more equipped to cease hurtful self-talk, challenge unrealistic expectations/reactions, or gain clarity about what lies at the heart of the issue.

* What factors am I focusing on that support this perspective? There is a natural human tendency to find evidence that supports our viewpoint. Anything that lies outside of our perspective is usually dismissed as an anomaly or as irrelevant. Sometimes, however, there is plenty of evidence to support another position. History gives us dramatic example of the dangers of remaining certain: Galileo had a reputation as a brilliant scientist, but he was forced to spend the later part of his life under house arrest. He was punished because no one wanted to hear that the sun, rather than the earth, was the center of the solar system.

* Is it possible that I am associating the present to any old wounds? If there are unresolved issues from the past, parallels in the present can result in additional or amplified emotions. For instance, a client once told me that she would shut down when talking to her husband. She had not experienced abusive reactions from him before, but she was still fearful of any unfavorable responses. She had been taught, through repeated encounters with her father, that conflict meant degradation.

Alternative Views

Next, consider the other person’s vantage point. To do this, you must go against the tendency to see difference as threatening, as if it suggests that you are growing apart or aren’t compatible. Difference is what helps us grow. Someone once said, “If you both always agree, then one of you isn’t necessary.” With new information, it may change your initial impression or add a layer of complexity which had previously been unnoticed.

Consider, for example, two people watching the same movie. One is drawn to the editing, lighting, and camera angles, appreciating the art behind the scenes. Another gets lost in the story and character development, experiencing an array of emotional experiences afforded by entering into another world. Talking afterwards, if the individuals see the other’s point of view as equally valid, they may appreciate the film in a new way.

There is an additional benefit to this exercise. Usually the other person will respond much more favorably if you come across as open rather than righteous. In the latter case, people fight to be heard or they will deem the situation as hopeless and emotionally check out. If you remain open, you may find that the conversation is more relaxed and information forthcoming. Questions to consider:

* The other person will also believe in the validity of their position. What does s/he see that I don’t?

* What might be the reasons/values behind this perspective?

* What responsibility do I have in this situation?

* How does this impact my position?

With all of these questions, you should have as much clarity as you can without further input.

At the same time, you will be demonstrating an openness and consideration for the other person. Together, these elements will maximize the potential for cooperation and a positive outcome. !

“Forgiveness is a sort of divine absurdity which includes a willing relinquishment of certain rights. This is really a costly sacrifice of something of one’s self and an act of love-giving where there is no logical reason or any guarantee. It is a recognition that one must live with the consequences of the sin.” – Walter Wangerin, Jr.

This is a time of year when the word “forgiveness” is generously used. When suggested, it is often joined with the idea of starting over. “Can’t you just put the past behind you?” Oh, to dream the hope of erasing- as if forgiveness will allow someone the chance to return to the person s/he was before there was an injury. But can one just decide to stop hurting? To simply choose to start fresh would mean ignoring what was witnessed, denying any emotional distress and walking away from an opportunity to learn what this might mean and what one needs to feel ok again. Such a dream is really denial. Forgiveness is an act that requires acknowledging what has happened and facing it head on. Only through this hard work will the rewards of release and closure come to pass.

Now, there is a point of decision- choosing when to work toward this goal. Just like any kind of recovery, success is dependent upon willingness. It cannot be forced, demanded or coerced- especially not from the person who caused the hurt. Instead, it is a profound moment when one truly embraces his/her personal power to determine what kind of impact life will have.

The opening quote highlights how counter intuitive it first feels to work towards forgiveness. However, there are many potential rewards. First, there is no longer a need to function in the world from a defensive posture. With a physical injury, there is commonly a change in behavior to protect from further harm. Limping lightens the load for one part of the body while forcing the rest of the body to compensate with added stress. Certain activities might be avoided to prevent any movement that might compromise healing as well.

People protect themselves from further emotional pain in similar ways. Some seek more control in relationships in exchange for predictability. Some shut off vulnerable experiences to avoid the risk of exposure, limiting the ability to connect. There may also be a desire to choose isolation over relating at all, allotting life to a spectator sport. When the emotional pain is honored, respected and healed, these reactions are not necessary. Instead, it is possible to face the world wiser, scarred, but with fortitude.

Another benefit is being more than a victim. True, a distressing situation happened and had real impact. At the same time, a person is more than any one (sometimes repeated) experience. History, character, beliefs, choices and interests are larger than this. Can they be influenced by the past? Absolutely! But that is part of the gift of forgiveness; when the experience can be examined in context, it is easier to distinguish what provides wisdom and what is reactive. “Keep what is worth keeping, and with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.” (Dinah Maria Mulock Craik) The experience becomes one facet of a complex life rather than the defining feature.

Finally, there is a release from a relationship with the offender. Forgiveness is only between the person hurting and God. No matter what path the wrongdoer chooses, the injured is not bound to the outcome. Some believe that ceasing contact will provide this release but that is just a physical end, not necessarily the stop to the emotional investment. People have wasted years yearning for the other to own up to the deed or waiting for justice to be served.

The reality is that there are so many factors that can get in the way of repentance, justice, etc. For example, there are people who have no desire to take responsibility. They see no personal benefit. Other people may not believe they have done anything wrong (a “he said, she said” situation). And then there are people who feel they are justified because of something that had been done to them at a prior time. A vicious circle! As for justice, if it is anything it is unpredictable. There are so many times when wrong doings go unnoticed. Justice is never something that can be counted upon. Even so, in those times when something is acknowledged and penance mandated, it does not fix everything. The injury still happened and there was suffering. No matter what, there is healing work to do.

Having reviewed what forgiveness is, it is important to also highlight experiences that are closely related, yet clearly separate:

Trust- this is really about the ability to predict an outcome. Whether positive or negative, there are people you can trust to behave in certain ways. For example, there are people who cannot maintain confidences, others who always arrive late or those who can be depended upon in a time of need. In a relationship, this term is often used in connection with safety. This kind of trust allows vulnerability to exist and therefore, a depth of relationship. Listening without judgment, honoring privacy, respecting boundaries and acting with kindness are a few of the ways this kind of trust is built.

When someone you have trusted has acted in hurtful ways, trust must be rebuilt, not magically bestowed. To expose vulnerability when there have been no real attempts at repentance is to volunteer for more hurt. At the same time, be aware of the tendency to generalize, turning a specific experience into a statement about the world. It can be very confusing to others when they feel they have to jump through hoops to prove themselves when they have done nothing wrong.

Reconciliation- where forgiveness only takes one person, reconciliation involves both parties. Through the act of confessing, accepting consequences and working on atonement, the other person shows a commitment to repairing the relationship. All of these behaviors show that there is consensus that the behavior was not o.k., requires intervention and needs to be prevented in the future. When this occurs, it opens up the possibility for the relationship to continue and sometimes it may even deepen.

Forgiveness is that unique act when a person chooses to love himself/herself enough to move towards letting go. By validating the experience, determining the impact and listening to emerging needs, one refuses to be conquered by the past. Life happens in a very imperfect world and the work of forgiveness turns these challenges into opportunities for self-awareness, wisdom and emotional freedom.

______________
References

Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1995) Boundaries. Grand Rapids, MI: Zondervan.
Craik, D. M. (1969). Friendship. In R. L. Woods (Ed.), Friendship (p. 4). Norwalk, CN: C.R. Gibson Company.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/reconciliation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trust_(social_sciences)