Does Diet Soda Cause Weight Gain?

The following is an interesting presentation about the effects of pH values in food and their impacts on the body.   One fact I found especially noteworthy was the link of diet soda to weight gain!  It is suggested that this
relationship exists because the soda contains phosphoric acid.  This chemical directly impacts iodine levels,
a major component in the healthy functioning of the thyroid gland (in charge of metabolism). To hear more, go to:  http://www.wimp.com/dietsoda/

I am neither a doctor nor nutritionist, so I am unable to substantiate these claims with my own expertise.  However, the suggested regimen is congruent with those being recommended by doctors and nutritionists alike.  Focus primarily on unprocessed fruits and vegetables, and be sure to manage your stress levels.   This information gives further validation that the food from the garden is the best ally in attaining and maintaining a healthy weight.

http://nh1.ccone.com/ A website that affirms many of the statements made in the video.

http://www.foodscience.caes.uga.edu/extension/documents/FDAapproximatepHoffoodslacf-phs.pdf This is the FDA’s approximated pH chart of food and food products.

Boundaries Make Life Easier

Kristen was beside herself.  She wanted to get to work on time today but had her hopes dashed when her daughter kept hitting the snooze button and missed the buss.  Kristen now was rushing to so she could make time to drop her daughter off at school.  Next, her shoulders fell when she saw her mother’s number registering on the caller id.  In spite of letting her mother know that she was dashing out the door, it took ten minutes before she hung up the phone.  As she slammed down breakfast while speeding to her destination, she gave a heavy sigh and wondered why she could never reach her own goals.

Kristen needs a hug and then some encouragement to find some good, healthy boundaries.  Instead of feeling like the captain of her own ship, she feels like a victim of circumstance.  She is frantic now, but over time this
chaotic pattern will lead to hopelessness, resentment, and lowered self-esteem.  If, however, she develops clear
and strong boundaries, she can start feeling in control and find it possible to meet the goals she wants to attain.

Why are boundaries the cure?

Boundaries are those wonderful limits in life that clarify the rules of engagement, defining what behaviors are helpful and what behaviors lead to problems. Kristen, for example, is accommodating her daughter’s behaviors, even those that don’t work for her.  As long as Kristen is willing to go along, her daughter has no motivation to change.  She still gets to school on time, has an added bonus of a personal chauffer, and gets to sleep in.  With the right kind of boundaries, Kristen would focus on what she needs to help the day run smoothly, and let her daughter face the outcomes of her own decisions.

Boundaries are also protective.   They help us defend against efforts to use up the treasures needed for mental health and happiness.  Treasures include stability, time, money, emotional well-being, and the freedom to make choices.  As one person is responsible for taking care of his/her own needs; others have the right to do the same.  For example, if Kristen implemented boundaries, she would have more control over her schedule, her routine, and the general way she starts her day.

Common Misunderstandings

When encouraging people to implement boundaries, I commonly hear resistance out of fear that changes will be perceived as punishment.  This is a misunderstanding about the core intention behind healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are about self-care and personal responsibility, as well as how to get along in the world.  Punishment is about the other person; specifically getting back at someone for acting in a way that was
hurtful or unwanted.   With healthy boundaries, each person has the right to make choices but they must also own the consequences.  As mentioned earlier, if boundaries are in place, Kristen and her daughter can decide what kind of morning each will have.  If the daughter sleeps in and is younger, Kristen can send her off on the bus in her pajamas and experience standing out.  If she wakes up on time, she gets to go to the bus with an outfit she likes.  If she is older, the consequences  change to fit the level of development.   The daughter gets to figure out how to get to school and face the consequences of being tardy.   If she gets up when her alarm goes off the first time, her ride is already in place and she gets to class on time.  Kristen does not need to punish- she just needs to get out of the way so her daughter can face life without being rescued.  There are times when discipline might be necessary, based on the relationship (ex: boss-supervisee, parent-child, or teacher-student).  Even then, the desire to “get back” is inappropriate.  Discipline means “to make stronger”, so the
consequence is intended to help the person learn how to be more successful in the future, rather than creating shame as some form of retribution.

Boundaries are easier to adjust to if they are done with an attitude of mutual respect and kindness rather than in a loud, demanding way.  Keep in mind the old saying, “You attract bees better with honey than vinegar.”  Using a calm, unapologetic approach, you can help the other person see that you are working towards a resentment-free relationship where both people can be unique and still work together.

7 Guidelines For Healthy Boundaries

1. Natural Consequences are the guide.
2. Be consistent.  If people doubt you mean what you say, they will constantly test.   If you give in, you invite people to ignore your boundaries.
3. Each person has responsibility for himself/herself.  We are to show compassion towards others but not take ownership for them.  Sticking to our own responsibilities is enough work!
4. Be active.  Rather than sitting back, waiting for others to predict your needs, claim the power to shape and influence the next moment of your life.  Ask questions, learn, make amends, ask for help, and seek truth.
5. Mutuality- boundaries are about mutual respect.  One person is neither better nor less than.
6. Transparency- boundaries cannot be honored and respected if they are not clear.  Use good communication and minimize the chances of assumptions or misunderstandings.
7. Have a large enough support system.  Sometimes setting boundaries is a rocky road.  Adequate
   support means that there are enough relationships with positive feelings and good will to sustain you when an area of life becomes challenging.

Study about PTSD and the Immune System

The following is a recent article that shows a link between trauma and the effects on the body.  In many ways, this is not new information.  For some time we have known that stress directly impacts the body’s chemistry, which can have impacts on a person’s physical, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  This is further confirmation, and a specific call to providers to help those suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- a cluster of symptoms that arise from a life-threatening event) with a holistic perspective.

http://www.thetandd.com/lifestyles/health-med-fit/article_46229f3c-ac05-11e0-875d-001cc4c03286.html

Renown Therapist Discloses Her Personal Diagnosis

Marsha Linehan is a powerful example of how a diagnostic label does not have to be a life sentence.  The article below is about a practitioner who is world renown for her work with individuals struggling with overwhelming emotions and instability.  As the creater of  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), she has developed a treatment modality that that helps individuals struggling with the very issues she found so profoundly life-limiting.  As she shows, people with mental health struggles can do great things :

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/coming-out-with-mental-illness/?ref=health

Experience With Failed Dreams

Conan O’Brien recently gave a commencement speech at Dartmouth College that had a lot of wise counsel amidst the laughs.  He shared recent difficulties of failing to meet his dream of hosting the Tonight Show and  how that path changed him.  He stated, “Niche famously said, ‘That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’  What most don’t realize is that IT ALMOST KILLS YOU!”  He shares that it is only through failures that our unique path becomes defined and we become more than what we thought we should be.  This is a realistic and encouraging look at the inevitability of being let down.  To hear it for yourself, please go to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmDYXaaT9sA

Helpful Versus Harmful Uses of Diagnoses

We hear terms like “Depression” and “Bipolar Disorder” mentioned in common conversations and talk shows, but I have found that many times people are not clear about what these diagnoses really are and what these terms mean.  Whether we personally struggle with symptoms or support others with these issues, education is important.  The more you know the better equipped you are to recognize symptoms, find appropriate resources and support, and take an active role in the treatment plan.

Why Use Diagnoses?

In many ways, diagnoses are helpful.  Just like an exam where a doctor takes a list of symptoms to determine the type of medical condition, a clinician also takes in information to determine the larger picture and how best to intervene.   There are many factors to consider, such as medical conditions, cognitive abilities, substance use, family dynamics, just to name a few.  Without assessments, the information is more difficult to organize, communication between members of a treatment team is labored, and important pieces of the puzzle might be overlooked.   The end result is less effective interventions and a longer time spent surviving rather than thriving.

There are additional benefits to providing diagnoses.  For one, some people feel less ostracized.  They learn that they are not alone- there are so many people out there dealing with the same issues that it warrants a place in a clinical book!  The struggle also adds legitimacy for the outside world.  Unlike many medical diagnoses, where the problems are visible (think of a cast for a broken arm), issues involving the mental health are less tangible and therefore easier to minimize or ignore.  But these issues are real.  (People die from cancer; people also die from depression.)  They can have such an impact on your health and overall functioning that the clinical world not only acknowledges it, but has developed a special vocabulary.  And when it we know it exists, we can take action.

The following are links to diagnostic criteria:

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/dsm4TRclassification.htm This dscribes the diagnostic criteria for disorders straight from the DSM-IV manual.

http://mysite.verizon.net/res7oqx1/ This  site provides more user friendly descriptions of diagnoses.  The content is similar to the clinical
version, but without so much psychological jargon.

Are There Drawbacks?

Yes.   The arguments for diagnoses are very reasonable; however, realize that they also are surrounded in some controversy.  I have found, along with many of my colleagues, that there are factors that warrant caution.  First, there is still a great deal of prejudice against people with mental “disorders.”  Although we no longer treat people with “major mental illness” as unclean, I have had many clients share unfortunate stories about responses to their troubles.  Examples have included labeling the diagnosis as the result of a moral transgression, telling the person s/he is crazy, framing their symptoms as excuses to get out of something, and treating the person with kid gloves.  Several clients have been denied life insurance because of there was documentation of suicidal ideation, even when it occurred over a decade ago.  Clinicians can also fall into this trap.  When we use the medical mindset, we tend to see experience through the lens of pathology.   In other words, when we frame a person’s experience as an illness, we treat the person as sick.   Many choose to quietly suffer than risk potential being devalued and alienated.

There is also the fact that individuals begin to define their lives through the filter of “mental illness”.  Emotional reactions, relationship dynamics, and other aspects of living are minimized as just another symptom.  In so doing, needs and self awareness decreases.  Stagnation ensues because there is no willingness to consider what can be done about a situation.  For example, if I believe I
am only capable of getting a ‘D’ on a test, there is much less of a chance that I am going to study and assert myself to do better.  It seems like a fruitless endeavor.  Similarly, if I believe that I am destined to be depressed, it will be very tempting to cease taking steps to make life better.  Thus begins the insidious effects of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Unfortunately, with the way our system is currently set up, when insurance companies are involved, clinicians can be caught in a bind.  In the world of insurance, there is no help with expenses unless a diagnosis has been provided.  Yet, according to Pipal (1995), almost half of adults seeking outpatient services have no diagnosable condition.  As she states, “we stretch a diagnosis to prove “medical necessity,” and then we turn right around and try to convince our clients that they are not sick!”   (1995, p. 326)

Remember, determining a proper diagnosis helps clinicians make sense of complex symptoms and facilitates identifying the most effective ways to provide help.  It can help clients understand that they have real issues that deserve recognition and attention, while also serving as a reminder that they are not alone in their struggles.  At the same time, diagnoses are not without risk.  To prevent a sense
of doom, or to ostracize, the diagnosis should be used only as a tool- not a label.

Stricking Research Regarding Women and Body Image

Dr. Phillippa Diedriches, from the Center for Appearance Research at the University of the West of England, recently released statistics they found in college women across several UK campuses.  The research shows that in order to achieve their ideal body weight and shape:

– 30% would trade 1 year of their life
– 10% would trade 2-5 years of their life
– 2% would trade 6-10 years of their life
– 1% would trade 21 years or more of their life

In addition, 26% of the women surveyed were willing to sacrifice at least one of the following:

– £5000 from their annual salary (13%)
– A promotion at work (8%)
– Achieving a first class honors degree (6%)
– Spending time with their partner (9%)
– Spending time with their family (7%)
– Spending time with their friends (9%)
– Their health (7%)

– 79% of the women surveyed reported that they would like to lose weight, despite the fact that the majority of the women sampled (78.37%) were actually within the underweight or ‘normal’ weight ranges. Only 3% said that they would like to gain weight.

– 93% of the women surveyed reported that they had had negative thoughts about their appearance during the past week. 31% had negative thoughts several times a day

Article URL: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/221215.php 05 Apr 2011 

Here we have validation that women are increasingly seeing their bodies as enemies to be conquered, not part of their lives to enjoy.  The emphasis placed on this antagonistic relationship is so dramatic, so impassioned, that it is seen as reasonable to compromise confidence, achievements, resources, and even love.  What lies behind this desperate desire for the cultural ideal?  What could be so enticing that these costs would be worth it?

In reality, women today are not able to fight in a fair fight.  It used to be that women were “only” comparing themselves to anorexic models with shapes like adolescent boys.  Then there was the advent of cosmetic surgery, minimizing varieties and emphasizing one type of body shape at the exclusion of others.  Now we have the computer shifting our expectations to something inhuman.  For example, wimp.com offered a video showing the transformation of a woman from someone you might see on the street to a cover girl.  http://www.wimp.com/advertisingcover/.  Although a makeup team could significantly alter her appearance, it was not enough.  Photoshop masters changed the size of her eyes to child-like proportions, elongated and thinned out her neck, and used shading to make her seem thinner than what she was.  These changes are so subtle and done in concert, so society is tricked into believing these distortions are not only possible but held up as the goal.

There is also inevitable set-up when self-esteem is based on the expectations of others.  Society’s “musts” are forever changing, with emphasis placed on that which is difficult to attain.  For example, in poverty stricken regions, weight is highly prized.  In areas where there is abundance, thinness is the ideal.  Opinions are also heavily influenced by culture, sex, religion, and context.  A Buddhist monk has no “value” in the world of marketing; being born a girl is less desired in some parts of the world.  In other words, our expectations are truly in the eye of the beholder.

These external norms are also tenuous and have to be constantly maintained.  In such a system, a person is only as valuable as their latest statistic.  For example, a football player is only as good as the last game; a salesperson as good as their last quarter, and a model as good as the last layout.  I have heard many heart-aches about low self-esteem that changes daily based on the number registering on the scale, the sense of success about an interaction, or even how well they parented on a given day.  For the famous, fall short of the expectation too long and attention moves to the next latest phenomenon.  For those with a strong internal critic, the relief at being “good enough” does not last long because we all have room for improvement.  No matter how hard the effort, esteem based on the external will always be as fickle as fame. 

Luckily, we do not have to just resign ourselves to a life of dissatisfaction and self-esteem struggles.  There are ways to find contentment and live a life focused more on living than how we are failing.  To start, throw the whole concept of “worth” out the window.  In essence, this concept forces a person to walk around with a measuring stick, constantly appraising the differences between two people.  The only conclusions that can then be drawn will be one up or one down and in such a system, both parties lose.  If I assess that I am better than another, I either have to downplay my own strengths so they don’t feel threatened, take on a burden of trying to build them up, or devalue them and miss out on all kind of gifts they had that I had not taken the time to notice.  If I believe I am less than the other person, it will seem like I should apologize for being an imposition.  I may even believe I should be grateful that they would be willing to be around me at all. 

Stop measuring.  Work every day to boldly accept our humanness.  We all smell, make stupid jokes, choose poorly, and have personality flaws.  We also can bathe, share new perspectives, take risks that pay off, demonstrate resilience, and find ways to change and grow.  We all have something to offer; we all have problems to overcome.  If we throw out the ruler, these facts of life don’t have to be a competition, but instead be opportunities for collaboration and connection.

 This is just a taste of some of the ways we can avoid becoming a statistic about low self-worth.  We are more than what we are told and we are more than some surface appeal.  Best of all, no belief is immune to specific efforts aimed at changing them.  With good care and a healthy dose of self-directed compassion, healthy self-esteem is possible! 

If you are interested in learning more on this subject, the following are great resources:

-  Kano, S., (1989).  Making Piece With Food (Rev. ed.).  New York, NY:  Harper & Row Publishers Inc.

-  Orbach, S.  (1978).  Fat is a feminist issue.  New York, NY: Berkley Books.

-  Rodin, J. (1992).  Body traps:  Breaking the binds that keep you from feeling good about your body.  New York, NY:  William Morrow and Company, Inc.

-  Schaef, A. W. (1992). Women’s reality: An emerging female system in a white male society. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

-  Fanning, P. & McKay, M. (2000).  Self-Esteem (3^rd ed.).  Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications Inc.

Dieting Myths

Reading all of the nutritional and dietary claims out there, I started getting small facial tics trying to make sense of it all. Some tell us to focus on protein; others say to “simply” restrict to 500 calories, then there are those who eradicate chewing all together and offer nutrition through a straw. Since no one is suggesting the diet I would like, chocolate covered anything, I reluctantly decided to do some digging to try to figure out what is scientifically sound and health wise. With the help of Wikipedia, the Mayo Clinic, the FDA, and several nutritionists, it was no surprise that many claims are either manipulations of the truth or just plain wrong.   Below are myths so common, they deserve special attention:

1. Diet plans have a secret ingredient that you need to lose weight. All effective weight loss programs boil down to one simple equation: burn more than you eat. That’s it. A pound of fat equates to about 3500 calories. Therefore, if you eat 500 calories less than what your body is burning each day, you will lose approximately one pound per week. If you cut down a small amount and increase the level of activity, it is possible to lose 25 pounds in six months!

It should be noted that the way you approach this equation does make a difference. Our bodies are mini-chemistry labs, which constantly seek balance. If you skip meals, your body will either decrease the metabolism to compensate, or promote a “seek and eat” mechanism to meet the immediate nutritional needs. If the body is starved, gorging behavior becomes highly probable. The body and mind try to maximize intake because there is uncertainty of when another meal will be available. This stress takes its toll, both physically and psychologically. Now weight management becomes even harder because guilt, depression and anxiety are the perfect ingredients for emotional eating!

2. Eat three meals a day. Such an approach does not fit with the body’s metabolic needs. Nutritionist Nancy Pudwill states that our bodies seek nourishment approximately every two to three hours. If we provide regular sustenance, metabolism is more efficient, mood and energy levels are more stable, and the body avoids constant chemical ups and downs. Include snacks for mid-morning, mid –afternoon, and the evening. Since the calories are being spread out over time, be sure to adjust portion during meal time.

3. Fat is bad. Fats have gotten a bad reputation. It is true that trans fats or saturated fats have been linked to serious health problems. But unsaturated fats have been proven to be an essential part of a healthy diet. According to Wikipedia, “Vitamins A, D, E, and K can only be metabolized in conjunction with fats.” There are additional benefits like promoting healthy skin and hair, augmenting cellular health, providing a buffer against many diseases, and lowering the risk of heart disease and cholesterol. One healthy fat, Omega-3, has even been shown to help regulate mood!

At the same time, consume with care. Fatty foods tend to be full of calories. Coupled with the sheer tastiness and ease of consumption, it is easy to overshoot your energy needs. There is also a mindset that can cause trouble. People see the “fat free” or “low-fat” label and think that it means “guilt free.” Food is then approached without restraint. The truth is that in these foods, the fat has often replaced with other full-caloric foods like sugar and flour. Side by side, fat free food often has more calories than its “regular” counterpart.

4. Artificial sweeteners are a dieter’s dream. There has been fierce debate over whether or not sweeteners like Aspartame (Equal, NutraSweet), Neotame, Saccharin (SugarTwin, Sweeet’N Low), Sucralose (Splenda), and Acesulfame potassium (Sunett, Sweet One) are unhealthy. The FDA has approved these food additives, and the National Cancer Institute and other health agencies have stated that there is no sound evidence linking these products to cancer or other serious health concerns. According to the Mayo clinic, there are even some positives to artificial sweeteners. They do not contribute to tooth decay, they are good alternatives for diabetics because they do not impact blood sugar levels, and have no caloric value.

At the same time, there are many sites claiming that they are nothing but packaged toxins. There have been accusations of political maneuvering with the FDA, and concerns that these sweeteners may mimic symptoms of serious illnesses like MS, Lupus, ADD, depression, and chronic fatigue. What I can be safely concluded is that artificial sweeteners have not had the hoped for impact on America’s growing waistline. Although calorie free, these sweeteners do not curb the desire for sweet rewards. In addition, the chemically produced sweetness is many times greater than anything nature can provide, decreasing the satisfaction found through the garden. In the end, the dieting industry remains well-funded, our unhealthy habits remain unchanged, and our society grows fatter than in any other time in history.

In general, a good meal plan is full of food that comes straight from the garden. It serves to care for the body’s needs in a sustainable way, rather than a frantic short-term solution that does nothing to address underlying patterns for how we relate to food. Most importantly, it is part of a lifestyle that allows for connection, relaxation, moderate exercise, and play.

________
http://douglassreport.com/reports-2010/x600hc03-aspartame/x600hc03-home/?gclid=CN2M0fnuzqYCFRg8gwodmSZmFg).

http://www.healthhound.org/aspartame/?t202id=7713&t202kw=aspartame%20dangers&cont=yes&gclid=CP3_irjvzqYCFQRvbAodfC4sIw.

Pawlack, L. (2009).  Stop gaining weight: Three no nonsense steps to no more pounds.  Macybooks.

Emotional Reactions: Proceed With Caution!

My poor husband was struggling to keep his cool. For weeks his workload had been relentless, sprinting to meetings and pulled like a marionette in numerous directions. Just looking at him, I knew that those tired eyes and frantic movements meant that it was just a matter of time before he quit everything and ran off to the circus. Out of concern and worry, I finally asked, “What can be done to help you with your stress level?” His eyes registered instant hurt and anger. “I’m doing the best I can! I’m not going to quit my job and I certainly don’t need this on top of everything else!”

What on earth just happened? I had initially thought that I was about to get an award for the wonderful supportive wife of the week. I wanted him to feel loved; I wanted him to see that I got how hard he was trying, and wanted to help. Yet none of that registered. In the conversation that followed, we were able to figure out where we went wrong- my words were a little too close to the language his boss had used, “Well, what are you going to do to get that project done?” He also was struggling with a little guilt, knowing that no matter how hard he tried, he knew his struggle was having an impact on our little family. Had we not been able to talk it through, this filter would have remained. He would have felt criticized and unsupported and I would have been resistive to offering support in the future because it seemed that my efforts only frustrated him.

As the example highlights, emotional reactions are incredibly important because they provide valuable information. They give us hints about the situation using intuition and observation. They also connect us to those things that have built our character, like our beliefs and values, our sense of dignity and respect, as well as those experiences that have shaped are lives. Yet our reactions and emotions are only part of the picture. By nature they tend to be rapid assessments of the situation, based on the facts that are deemed the most relevant and self-protective. That means that some details will go unnoticed and there is little time to consider alternative perspectives. Do we recognize this potential for inaccuracy or misunderstandings? Rarely. The reason is because our reactions are incredibly persuasive.

 The ability to influence is largely impacted by three variables: trustworthiness, familiarity, and the ability to evoke emotions. Our internal dialogue has all three elements going for it. For example, research has shown that people tend to trust information when it appears to come from an experienced source. The “who” of reporting adds legitimacy. When it comes to ourselves, we trust our own judgment because there is neither an underlying agenda to fear, nor concern that our best interest is not under consideration. Familiarity is the comfort that develops with exposure. Our reactions, as stated earlier, are often based on our well-developed beliefs and experiences that become part of our character. What could possibly be more familiar than ourselves? As for evoking emotions, these internal messages tend to prey on our vulnerabilities and need to self-protecting, activating the potent feelings of fear, anger and hurt. The combination of these three elements is an view that seems like an absolute, truthful account of the situation, rather than a potentially fallible, definitely slanted perspective.

Emotions are as practiced at persuading as any lawyer or advertiser, and simply being aware of this provides an advantage. Wariness develops, sensing there is more to the story. Instead of defensive certainty, one remains curious, open and ultimately more approachable. The end result is less time spent suffering, snapping, and perhaps apologizing, and more time spent understanding and enjoying one another.

I am happy to report that I was able to step back and realize that my own catastrophic thinking was off base and I needed to gain more perspective. With this change of focus, I became less reactive and more interested in what was going on. His frustration immediately told me that what I was saying and what my husband was hearing were two different things. I chose to try again, emphasizing my desire to support him during this tough time and address this out of concern. Helping him hear my intention, his defenses dropped, and we were both in a better place to work together.

Real “Happily Ever After”

With February being the month of love, it seemed fitting to look into what such an experience is all about.  The Romantic tradition claimed that being “in love” was a disease.  If I put on my “clinical” hat, they aren’t that far off.  Looking just at the symptoms and behaviors, it suggests some kind of mental illness that causes significant functional impairment. For example, there are physical symptoms such as:  

• Heart palpitations
• Sweating
• Nausea, butterflies in the stomach
• Difficulty concentrating
• Hypervigilance, waiting for the beloved to arrive
• Obsessive thoughts
• Inability to sleep
• Excitation

 There are also disruptions in thoughts and behaviors

• Desiring constant union
• Day dreaming
• Overestimation- to the point of the grotesque or even delusion of the value of the beloved.  Red flags and negative traits are often dismissed.  Compare this to Bill Cosby’s reflection on his own marriage 20 years later:  “Camille and I may be blinded by love, but we have Braille for each other’s flaws.” 
• The rest of the world pales in comparison to the beloved.  The other is so centrally important that we are thrown into a condition of need. 
• There is an obsession about the other person.  The way he talks, the way she walks, her smell….   

With a concluding diagnosis, the physical response would most likely be labeled with an anxiety disorder; the cognitive and behavioral disruptions a combination of a manic episode and some delusional disorder.  How romantic!  In reality, we all know this “pathology” not only feels wonderful, it can be something we pine for. 

However, it does need to be temporary.  I know the message in our culture is that this swooning should last forever, with the “happily ever after” endings, but this is neither healthy nor realistic.  If we stayed in this awe-struck state, we wouldn’t eat or sleep.  We’d struggle to get anything done.  Work would be just a hurdle we would resent, taking us away from time with our sweetheart, while children would have to fend for themselves.

At some point, we also have to face our lives.  Our partner has been put up on a pedestal, and nothing penetrates the happy bubble.  Consider Disney’s version of Cinderella.  We are led to believe that after the ball she has found true love in those few short hours.  I don’t deny that it was a wonderful evening.  She got a gorgeous dress which fit perfectly and magically appeared, and her transportation was completely free.  For Cinderella, the influence of the critical, abusive family was magically put on hold.  For the Prince, his demanding job as political leader was suspended.  And there was the glamour, the music, and the surroundings.  Who wouldn’t be swept away!  But after they have lived together for a while, how does Cinderella feel then?  Prince Charming squeezes the toothpaste from the middle; leaves the toilet seat up, stinks after a long horse rides and slurps when he eats.    

I’m not saying they can’t have love once the magic fades.  It’s just that the relationship is going to change.  The state of ignorant bliss comes to an end and the real kind of love has room to grow, for to truly love someone, you have to know them…. All of them!  Love means caring enough to give real feedback, patience, and encouragement.  It becomes about emotional safety, vulnerability, and connection, all essential elements for emotional health.  There is nothing more wonderful than knowing that someone knows all your imperfections and loves you anyway.  When this happens, a new kind of magic happens; we feel worthwhile, accepted, and important.  We seem to be able to take on the world because no matter what, there is love. As 1 Corinthians 13: 1-3 says:

 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angel, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.  If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing. 

During this season of love, I hope you have more than glorified romance.  Whether from your partner, your child, your neighbor, or your pet, I hope you find a source of enduring, deep love.