Practical Advice About Bullying

The following is a news article that helps highlights some simple strategies parents and caregivers can utilize to support children’s emotional intelligence.  Through certain kinds of conversations and modeling, children develop a sense of self and compassion for others.  They also learn about strong character and the importance of speaking up.  The only way to stop injustice is to not tolerate it.   It is a strong stance that we can only ask children to work on if we are willing to live it too.  Are we ready to stand up for what is right rather than stay safe through silence?   Let’s help our children with an age-old problem that will help them manage sitautions that they will face throughout their lives:

http://www.thedenverchannel.com/family/29448450/detail.html

How Important Is Accuracy When Dealing With Trauma?

Below is a fascinating article that talks about how the brain remembers trauma. There is particular focus on what is called, “flashbulb memories”, incredibly detailed recollections that seem imprinted on our brains due to the activation of the fight-or-flight mechanics. The memories then stand out in our history, like ink spots on a white sheet. In this article, the author suggests that the ability to recall details gives the impression of accuracy. Yet the research suggests that these memories become increasingly spotty overtime, just like non-traumatic recall. To read the full article, go to:

http://blogs.scientificamerican.com/guest-blog/2011/08/17/how-the-brain-remembers-911/

How might this information have impact on a survivor?  In the legal realm, this is problematic since they need factual evidence to ensure just action is taken.  Yet to heal, we are not bound by what can be proven with hard evidence.   The work is about personal truth, not facts.  For example, healing involves addressing meanings ascribed to the event.  The reason is that these beliefs promote patterns of behavior that can be problematic and inflexible.   Healing also deals with triggers and reactions that occur based on the way the body stored the traumatic energy.  More interest will be paid to movements and experiences that allow the energy to resolve rather than the linear sequence of events.  There is even the potential to soften those intrusive flashbulb recollections so they fade into the background.   But even then, we are more interested in the ways the memory has become stuck than whether or not it is accurate.

Your memories will change over time.  The good news is when it comes to overcoming terrifying experiences in our lives; whatever is available is what we work with.  If it is real to you, it is valid.  Therapy then becomes about discovering what it takes to find peace.

.

Hints For Effective Communication

Do you ever leave a conversation wondering what the heck went wrong?  In spite of best intentions, did you walk away feeling misunderstood and at odds with the other person?  You are not alone.  We talk all the time in our society, yet we often don’t understand the complexity of our interactions.  Unaware of what is happening, there are tons of miscues that undermine our ability to connect and ;eave us wanting to pull our hair out in frustration.

As a chronic people watcher, I have had the opportunity to observe what factors create productive conversations and what dynamics lead to disconnection.  To clarify, it is rare that the topic is the problem (ex: an uncomfortable subject).   Rather, it is the underlying approach that makes all the difference in the world.  Sadly, most of the time people do not even know they are engaging in the behaviors because they are so focused on what they are saying, they aren’t even thinking about how they are saying it.  To help, I have compiled a list of some of the most frequent struggles I encounter and some suggestions on how to overcome them.  This is by no means an exhaustive list, but it can be a start in the right direction:

• Be sure your message is clear. So many times, people enter into a conversation unaware of what they actually want to accomplish.  They may have a feeling, or know they want to talk something through, but don’t have any specific intention in mind.  Without any kind of compass, how can your audience know what you’re talking about if you don’t know either?  Solution: identify your point before engaging someone else.
• Only bring up one point at a time. People are often tempted to bring all the points they need to address in one conversation, sometimes even in one sentence.  If too much is on the table, it is  easy to become overwhelmed and discouraged.  Solution: Rather than having breadth, focus on depth.  If you are able to address one subject all the way through, both parties feel a sense of accomplishment and the topic can be put to rest.  Once there is closure, you can decide to tackle another issue or spend some time enjoying your success before working on something new.
• Talk with rather than at someone. No one likes a sermon if they are not at church.  If the conversation is one sided, it won’t take long before the person having to listen will lose interest.  And no wonder.  If there is no room for input or interaction, the audience isn’t necessary.   In times your audience stays engaged, it won’t be long before s/he tires out.    It takes focus to listen well.  If there is no opportunity to break up the information, the conversation becomes hard rather than engaging.  Solution: Be sure to check in frequently, ask questions about the other’s point of view, and check in to make sure your point was communicated as intended.
• Replace your “or” with “and”. It is not common for a topic to be addressed with, “It’s either your way or mine.”  This approach is nothing more than a win-lose situation where one person gets to have their needs met and the other is fated to be dissatisfied.  Solution: there is so much more to life than a two-system approach.  Collaborate together.  Get input from all parties about what they want, and then approach the subject with faith that there is a win-win somewhere to be found.  If two are not able to find a solution, ask trusted advisors for suggestions.
• Do not say something you will regret. Hurtful words cannot be taken back.  Even when an apology is given, the other person will not forget that you gave yourself permission to be cruel.  In addition, there will always be a nagging voice to the other person, wondering if what you said was really the truth, rather than something said in the heat of the moment.  Solution: only try to
  have a conversation when you can be respectful.   If you become compromised, take a breath, take a break, or do whatever you need to do to regain control.  It’s better to go slower and play fair than finish quickly but have a lot of damage control to the relationship that may never be the same as it was before.
• Avoid the extremes. In times of conflict, emotions are raw and everything becomes black and white.  If there is not a quick solution, it can be easy to seek an out.  Usually, it has something to do with abandoning all hope and making a statement that suggests the relationship should end.  “If you don’t like it, leave.”  In a marriage it might look like, “Fine!  Then maybe you should just
  file for divorce!”  All the sudden, an attempt to address a struggle has ended up being a threat to the relationship.  If the goal is to frighten someone into compliance, it may work, but fear and resentment are almost sure to surface.  What is a sure thing is the sense of safety in the relationship has been undermined and this person will think twice before being open and honest again.
  Solution: don’t go there if you don’t mean it.  In those instances when the relationship really does need to end, do not decide in a moment of passion.  Wait until you are calm, have time to
  consider the implications, and can find a way to part without being mean.

Going through this list, it may be tempting to think see these problems in others but not recognize them as personal struggles.  Start observing how you interact, if you can handle the feedback, ask others for their input.  The most powerful place to initiate change is within.

Does Diet Soda Cause Weight Gain?

The following is an interesting presentation about the effects of pH values in food and their impacts on the body.   One fact I found especially noteworthy was the link of diet soda to weight gain!  It is suggested that this
relationship exists because the soda contains phosphoric acid.  This chemical directly impacts iodine levels,
a major component in the healthy functioning of the thyroid gland (in charge of metabolism). To hear more, go to:  http://www.wimp.com/dietsoda/

I am neither a doctor nor nutritionist, so I am unable to substantiate these claims with my own expertise.  However, the suggested regimen is congruent with those being recommended by doctors and nutritionists alike.  Focus primarily on unprocessed fruits and vegetables, and be sure to manage your stress levels.   This information gives further validation that the food from the garden is the best ally in attaining and maintaining a healthy weight.

http://nh1.ccone.com/ A website that affirms many of the statements made in the video.

http://www.foodscience.caes.uga.edu/extension/documents/FDAapproximatepHoffoodslacf-phs.pdf This is the FDA’s approximated pH chart of food and food products.

Boundaries Make Life Easier

Kristen was beside herself.  She wanted to get to work on time today but had her hopes dashed when her daughter kept hitting the snooze button and missed the buss.  Kristen now was rushing to so she could make time to drop her daughter off at school.  Next, her shoulders fell when she saw her mother’s number registering on the caller id.  In spite of letting her mother know that she was dashing out the door, it took ten minutes before she hung up the phone.  As she slammed down breakfast while speeding to her destination, she gave a heavy sigh and wondered why she could never reach her own goals.

Kristen needs a hug and then some encouragement to find some good, healthy boundaries.  Instead of feeling like the captain of her own ship, she feels like a victim of circumstance.  She is frantic now, but over time this
chaotic pattern will lead to hopelessness, resentment, and lowered self-esteem.  If, however, she develops clear
and strong boundaries, she can start feeling in control and find it possible to meet the goals she wants to attain.

Why are boundaries the cure?

Boundaries are those wonderful limits in life that clarify the rules of engagement, defining what behaviors are helpful and what behaviors lead to problems. Kristen, for example, is accommodating her daughter’s behaviors, even those that don’t work for her.  As long as Kristen is willing to go along, her daughter has no motivation to change.  She still gets to school on time, has an added bonus of a personal chauffer, and gets to sleep in.  With the right kind of boundaries, Kristen would focus on what she needs to help the day run smoothly, and let her daughter face the outcomes of her own decisions.

Boundaries are also protective.   They help us defend against efforts to use up the treasures needed for mental health and happiness.  Treasures include stability, time, money, emotional well-being, and the freedom to make choices.  As one person is responsible for taking care of his/her own needs; others have the right to do the same.  For example, if Kristen implemented boundaries, she would have more control over her schedule, her routine, and the general way she starts her day.

Common Misunderstandings

When encouraging people to implement boundaries, I commonly hear resistance out of fear that changes will be perceived as punishment.  This is a misunderstanding about the core intention behind healthy boundaries.  Boundaries are about self-care and personal responsibility, as well as how to get along in the world.  Punishment is about the other person; specifically getting back at someone for acting in a way that was
hurtful or unwanted.   With healthy boundaries, each person has the right to make choices but they must also own the consequences.  As mentioned earlier, if boundaries are in place, Kristen and her daughter can decide what kind of morning each will have.  If the daughter sleeps in and is younger, Kristen can send her off on the bus in her pajamas and experience standing out.  If she wakes up on time, she gets to go to the bus with an outfit she likes.  If she is older, the consequences  change to fit the level of development.   The daughter gets to figure out how to get to school and face the consequences of being tardy.   If she gets up when her alarm goes off the first time, her ride is already in place and she gets to class on time.  Kristen does not need to punish- she just needs to get out of the way so her daughter can face life without being rescued.  There are times when discipline might be necessary, based on the relationship (ex: boss-supervisee, parent-child, or teacher-student).  Even then, the desire to “get back” is inappropriate.  Discipline means “to make stronger”, so the
consequence is intended to help the person learn how to be more successful in the future, rather than creating shame as some form of retribution.

Boundaries are easier to adjust to if they are done with an attitude of mutual respect and kindness rather than in a loud, demanding way.  Keep in mind the old saying, “You attract bees better with honey than vinegar.”  Using a calm, unapologetic approach, you can help the other person see that you are working towards a resentment-free relationship where both people can be unique and still work together.

7 Guidelines For Healthy Boundaries

1. Natural Consequences are the guide.
2. Be consistent.  If people doubt you mean what you say, they will constantly test.   If you give in, you invite people to ignore your boundaries.
3. Each person has responsibility for himself/herself.  We are to show compassion towards others but not take ownership for them.  Sticking to our own responsibilities is enough work!
4. Be active.  Rather than sitting back, waiting for others to predict your needs, claim the power to shape and influence the next moment of your life.  Ask questions, learn, make amends, ask for help, and seek truth.
5. Mutuality- boundaries are about mutual respect.  One person is neither better nor less than.
6. Transparency- boundaries cannot be honored and respected if they are not clear.  Use good communication and minimize the chances of assumptions or misunderstandings.
7. Have a large enough support system.  Sometimes setting boundaries is a rocky road.  Adequate
   support means that there are enough relationships with positive feelings and good will to sustain you when an area of life becomes challenging.

Study about PTSD and the Immune System

The following is a recent article that shows a link between trauma and the effects on the body.  In many ways, this is not new information.  For some time we have known that stress directly impacts the body’s chemistry, which can have impacts on a person’s physical, social, emotional, and spiritual well-being.  This is further confirmation, and a specific call to providers to help those suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder- a cluster of symptoms that arise from a life-threatening event) with a holistic perspective.

http://www.thetandd.com/lifestyles/health-med-fit/article_46229f3c-ac05-11e0-875d-001cc4c03286.html

Renown Therapist Discloses Her Personal Diagnosis

Marsha Linehan is a powerful example of how a diagnostic label does not have to be a life sentence.  The article below is about a practitioner who is world renown for her work with individuals struggling with overwhelming emotions and instability.  As the creater of  Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), she has developed a treatment modality that that helps individuals struggling with the very issues she found so profoundly life-limiting.  As she shows, people with mental health struggles can do great things :

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/06/23/coming-out-with-mental-illness/?ref=health

Experience With Failed Dreams

Conan O’Brien recently gave a commencement speech at Dartmouth College that had a lot of wise counsel amidst the laughs.  He shared recent difficulties of failing to meet his dream of hosting the Tonight Show and  how that path changed him.  He stated, “Niche famously said, ‘That what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’  What most don’t realize is that IT ALMOST KILLS YOU!”  He shares that it is only through failures that our unique path becomes defined and we become more than what we thought we should be.  This is a realistic and encouraging look at the inevitability of being let down.  To hear it for yourself, please go to:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KmDYXaaT9sA

Helpful Versus Harmful Uses of Diagnoses

We hear terms like “Depression” and “Bipolar Disorder” mentioned in common conversations and talk shows, but I have found that many times people are not clear about what these diagnoses really are and what these terms mean.  Whether we personally struggle with symptoms or support others with these issues, education is important.  The more you know the better equipped you are to recognize symptoms, find appropriate resources and support, and take an active role in the treatment plan.

Why Use Diagnoses?

In many ways, diagnoses are helpful.  Just like an exam where a doctor takes a list of symptoms to determine the type of medical condition, a clinician also takes in information to determine the larger picture and how best to intervene.   There are many factors to consider, such as medical conditions, cognitive abilities, substance use, family dynamics, just to name a few.  Without assessments, the information is more difficult to organize, communication between members of a treatment team is labored, and important pieces of the puzzle might be overlooked.   The end result is less effective interventions and a longer time spent surviving rather than thriving.

There are additional benefits to providing diagnoses.  For one, some people feel less ostracized.  They learn that they are not alone- there are so many people out there dealing with the same issues that it warrants a place in a clinical book!  The struggle also adds legitimacy for the outside world.  Unlike many medical diagnoses, where the problems are visible (think of a cast for a broken arm), issues involving the mental health are less tangible and therefore easier to minimize or ignore.  But these issues are real.  (People die from cancer; people also die from depression.)  They can have such an impact on your health and overall functioning that the clinical world not only acknowledges it, but has developed a special vocabulary.  And when it we know it exists, we can take action.

The following are links to diagnostic criteria:

http://www.behavenet.com/capsules/disorders/dsm4TRclassification.htm This dscribes the diagnostic criteria for disorders straight from the DSM-IV manual.

http://mysite.verizon.net/res7oqx1/ This  site provides more user friendly descriptions of diagnoses.  The content is similar to the clinical
version, but without so much psychological jargon.

Are There Drawbacks?

Yes.   The arguments for diagnoses are very reasonable; however, realize that they also are surrounded in some controversy.  I have found, along with many of my colleagues, that there are factors that warrant caution.  First, there is still a great deal of prejudice against people with mental “disorders.”  Although we no longer treat people with “major mental illness” as unclean, I have had many clients share unfortunate stories about responses to their troubles.  Examples have included labeling the diagnosis as the result of a moral transgression, telling the person s/he is crazy, framing their symptoms as excuses to get out of something, and treating the person with kid gloves.  Several clients have been denied life insurance because of there was documentation of suicidal ideation, even when it occurred over a decade ago.  Clinicians can also fall into this trap.  When we use the medical mindset, we tend to see experience through the lens of pathology.   In other words, when we frame a person’s experience as an illness, we treat the person as sick.   Many choose to quietly suffer than risk potential being devalued and alienated.

There is also the fact that individuals begin to define their lives through the filter of “mental illness”.  Emotional reactions, relationship dynamics, and other aspects of living are minimized as just another symptom.  In so doing, needs and self awareness decreases.  Stagnation ensues because there is no willingness to consider what can be done about a situation.  For example, if I believe I
am only capable of getting a ‘D’ on a test, there is much less of a chance that I am going to study and assert myself to do better.  It seems like a fruitless endeavor.  Similarly, if I believe that I am destined to be depressed, it will be very tempting to cease taking steps to make life better.  Thus begins the insidious effects of a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Unfortunately, with the way our system is currently set up, when insurance companies are involved, clinicians can be caught in a bind.  In the world of insurance, there is no help with expenses unless a diagnosis has been provided.  Yet, according to Pipal (1995), almost half of adults seeking outpatient services have no diagnosable condition.  As she states, “we stretch a diagnosis to prove “medical necessity,” and then we turn right around and try to convince our clients that they are not sick!”   (1995, p. 326)

Remember, determining a proper diagnosis helps clinicians make sense of complex symptoms and facilitates identifying the most effective ways to provide help.  It can help clients understand that they have real issues that deserve recognition and attention, while also serving as a reminder that they are not alone in their struggles.  At the same time, diagnoses are not without risk.  To prevent a sense
of doom, or to ostracize, the diagnosis should be used only as a tool- not a label.

Stricking Research Regarding Women and Body Image

Dr. Phillippa Diedriches, from the Center for Appearance Research at the University of the West of England, recently released statistics they found in college women across several UK campuses.  The research shows that in order to achieve their ideal body weight and shape:

– 30% would trade 1 year of their life
– 10% would trade 2-5 years of their life
– 2% would trade 6-10 years of their life
– 1% would trade 21 years or more of their life

In addition, 26% of the women surveyed were willing to sacrifice at least one of the following:

– £5000 from their annual salary (13%)
– A promotion at work (8%)
– Achieving a first class honors degree (6%)
– Spending time with their partner (9%)
– Spending time with their family (7%)
– Spending time with their friends (9%)
– Their health (7%)

– 79% of the women surveyed reported that they would like to lose weight, despite the fact that the majority of the women sampled (78.37%) were actually within the underweight or ‘normal’ weight ranges. Only 3% said that they would like to gain weight.

– 93% of the women surveyed reported that they had had negative thoughts about their appearance during the past week. 31% had negative thoughts several times a day

Article URL: http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/221215.php 05 Apr 2011 

Here we have validation that women are increasingly seeing their bodies as enemies to be conquered, not part of their lives to enjoy.  The emphasis placed on this antagonistic relationship is so dramatic, so impassioned, that it is seen as reasonable to compromise confidence, achievements, resources, and even love.  What lies behind this desperate desire for the cultural ideal?  What could be so enticing that these costs would be worth it?

In reality, women today are not able to fight in a fair fight.  It used to be that women were “only” comparing themselves to anorexic models with shapes like adolescent boys.  Then there was the advent of cosmetic surgery, minimizing varieties and emphasizing one type of body shape at the exclusion of others.  Now we have the computer shifting our expectations to something inhuman.  For example, wimp.com offered a video showing the transformation of a woman from someone you might see on the street to a cover girl.  http://www.wimp.com/advertisingcover/.  Although a makeup team could significantly alter her appearance, it was not enough.  Photoshop masters changed the size of her eyes to child-like proportions, elongated and thinned out her neck, and used shading to make her seem thinner than what she was.  These changes are so subtle and done in concert, so society is tricked into believing these distortions are not only possible but held up as the goal.

There is also inevitable set-up when self-esteem is based on the expectations of others.  Society’s “musts” are forever changing, with emphasis placed on that which is difficult to attain.  For example, in poverty stricken regions, weight is highly prized.  In areas where there is abundance, thinness is the ideal.  Opinions are also heavily influenced by culture, sex, religion, and context.  A Buddhist monk has no “value” in the world of marketing; being born a girl is less desired in some parts of the world.  In other words, our expectations are truly in the eye of the beholder.

These external norms are also tenuous and have to be constantly maintained.  In such a system, a person is only as valuable as their latest statistic.  For example, a football player is only as good as the last game; a salesperson as good as their last quarter, and a model as good as the last layout.  I have heard many heart-aches about low self-esteem that changes daily based on the number registering on the scale, the sense of success about an interaction, or even how well they parented on a given day.  For the famous, fall short of the expectation too long and attention moves to the next latest phenomenon.  For those with a strong internal critic, the relief at being “good enough” does not last long because we all have room for improvement.  No matter how hard the effort, esteem based on the external will always be as fickle as fame. 

Luckily, we do not have to just resign ourselves to a life of dissatisfaction and self-esteem struggles.  There are ways to find contentment and live a life focused more on living than how we are failing.  To start, throw the whole concept of “worth” out the window.  In essence, this concept forces a person to walk around with a measuring stick, constantly appraising the differences between two people.  The only conclusions that can then be drawn will be one up or one down and in such a system, both parties lose.  If I assess that I am better than another, I either have to downplay my own strengths so they don’t feel threatened, take on a burden of trying to build them up, or devalue them and miss out on all kind of gifts they had that I had not taken the time to notice.  If I believe I am less than the other person, it will seem like I should apologize for being an imposition.  I may even believe I should be grateful that they would be willing to be around me at all. 

Stop measuring.  Work every day to boldly accept our humanness.  We all smell, make stupid jokes, choose poorly, and have personality flaws.  We also can bathe, share new perspectives, take risks that pay off, demonstrate resilience, and find ways to change and grow.  We all have something to offer; we all have problems to overcome.  If we throw out the ruler, these facts of life don’t have to be a competition, but instead be opportunities for collaboration and connection.

 This is just a taste of some of the ways we can avoid becoming a statistic about low self-worth.  We are more than what we are told and we are more than some surface appeal.  Best of all, no belief is immune to specific efforts aimed at changing them.  With good care and a healthy dose of self-directed compassion, healthy self-esteem is possible! 

If you are interested in learning more on this subject, the following are great resources:

-  Kano, S., (1989).  Making Piece With Food (Rev. ed.).  New York, NY:  Harper & Row Publishers Inc.

-  Orbach, S.  (1978).  Fat is a feminist issue.  New York, NY: Berkley Books.

-  Rodin, J. (1992).  Body traps:  Breaking the binds that keep you from feeling good about your body.  New York, NY:  William Morrow and Company, Inc.

-  Schaef, A. W. (1992). Women’s reality: An emerging female system in a white male society. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

-  Fanning, P. & McKay, M. (2000).  Self-Esteem (3^rd ed.).  Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications Inc.